So the old man goes the the doctor for a checkup. His wife had been nagging him about it for weeks, so he went.

The doctor noted that Medicare and his supplemental insurance would pay for a lot of tests, so he drew 15 vials of blood. He also gave the old man 4 jars.

“I need a stool sample, a urine sample, a sputum sample next time you cough, and, if you can at your age, a sperm sample”

With that, the old man left and went home, with instructions to bring the samples back the next day.

At 2 pm the next day the old man sowed up for his appointment with the doctor, jars in a bag.

The doctor opened the bag….stool sample, urine sample, and sputum sample all in their jars. The sperm sample jar was, however, empty.

Couldn’t produce one?, asked the doctor

“Christ, Doc, I’m an old man”, came the reply….”I got home and tried right away.”

“First I used my left hand, then my right hand, nothing. Then I tried both hands, still nothing. I mean, I did my best. I tried TWICE!”

“I called my wife, and she tried, first with one hand, then the other, then both. She tried her feet, and then even tried with her mouth….with her teeth in and with ’em out. No joy,”

“About that time, her sister stopped by, so we had her try. She used her left hand, then her right, then both hands. Then her and my wife tried working together….No luck.”

“About that time our widow neighbor lady came over, and even with all three doing their best it just wasn’t happening.”

He handed the jar to the doctor and said “you open it”