First draft of the STFU SOTU speech:

Ladies and gentlemen: My fellow Americans.

I am here tonight to discuss the state of our Union. I and my fellow Party members have been in charge for a year now, and while the state of the union was less than optimal last year at this time, I am proud to say that we have made many changes to our union.

The state of our union today is, well, disgusting. Our financial institutions are not lending, our economy is in shambles, our citizens are either unemployed or expecting to be, our industry is stagnant, and our military is demoralized.

Our once strong country is weakened by fear, and uncertainty. Our once proud citizens are choosing not to spend the little disposable income they have, for fear of using their last reserves of cash, and and they are not able to borrow money to purchase anything because they (and their financial institutions) fear that they will be unable to repay their loans.

Our once strong industrial base is in a waiting mode, unwilling and unable to expand because of several things; A tight credit market, and uncertainty as to what their future operating costs might be because our legislative and executive branch cannot give them a clear future. Due to the Health Care Reform debacle, and pending Carbon Cap and Trade legislation, we have left them an uncertain future that has effectively stalled any real growth.

Under my leadership I and the legislative branch have effectively made our economy worse than it was. Our TARP program initiated by my predecessor, and the additional Stimulus plan have effectively caused a decline in the buying power of our dollar, and have effectively enslaved our citizens for generations to come with a debt that no one knows how to repay, all with no measurable effect on our economy. But hey, we tried…

The State of our union is: Angry. So angry in fact, that we have effectively killed our chances of passing any of the our grandiose, overreaching legislation that we, in our hubris, would have passed for all of you, my fellow citizens, because we know what is best for you. You folks are angry enough to have overwhelmingly rejected any candidate in those special elections who might have any relationship to me or my fellow Democrats. You folks just don’t know what is good for you.

Our Union is: Demoralized. We have many folks who want to work, and are productive when they work, but there is no work for them to do. My policies have stagnated our economy, and for that I am proud. Where there was once a vibrant economy, there is now unemployment. I will fix that. I will give special treatment to our union Brothers and Sisters with whom we stand shoulder to shoulder in solidarity, in order that they will be able to grow their ranks and force industry to hire even more nonproductive workers. I will help unions to take even more control of major industries, and if you will let me, I will nationalize even more industries that are in trouble and will absorb them into the Government sphere, creating more opportunities for additional union power and control. Under my leadership we will change this economy into what it should be: a government controlled service based economy dominated by unions that will decrease productivity and hamper growth and change.

The state of our union is:…less than it was before…..Our foreign policy has confused the rest of the world. Under my leadership, we have angered our allies with insult after insult, we have, through my policies, helped our enemies, and we have confused the rest of the world. I have done what I can to weaken the military, and will continue to do so. Our policy in Iraq and Afghanistan, while not what I said that I would do during my campaign, has been forced to change because reality has been a harsh teacher. It appears that my predecessors’ policies are not actually that bad. We will, however, do our best to send a muddled and unclear message to the world in the future in order to keep them off balance and prevent any significant changes or forward strides in stability among countries that might make this country safer. I will continue to support the ineffective and corrupt United Nations organization because they support me.

The state of our union is: Confused…..That confusion is because many of you do not realize who I am and what I intend to do. You have not been listening to my message, nor have you surrendered to the belief that I know better. Many of you mistakenly think that if you work hard, and are productive, and take responsibility for your own lives things will get better. You seem to think that all of you can handle your own lives and take care of yourselves. You are mistaken. You must realize that the State should be your caretaker. It is not your responsibility to run your own lives; it is the States responsibility. It is the role of the Government that I head that will take care of you. Give me an ever increasing portion of your wages as taxes and I will increase the help and guidance that the government provides for each and every one of you.

Now: I have something to say to all of you, all of the Citizens of this nation. Let me be clear: I have the path out of darkness: I alone have the key to unlock this society’s ills. You must understand that. I, Barack Hussein Obama, know the one true way out of this…

Let me be clear: if you folks would have just let me do what I wanted I would have made your lives better. I, and my fellow Democrats know what is best for you. I would have taken care of you, and would have changed things so that everyone would have been equally unhappy, rather than a few of you getting more than everyone else and the unproductive segment of our society would have been elevated to the level of the rest of you productive citizens. Understand me here: I, and those I surround myself with are EDUCATED. We know better, and are smarter, than the rest of you., and you folks had damned well better learn that.

Now stop whining and getting in my way and let me remake this country into what it should be.

One thought on “First draft of the STFU SOTU speech:

  1. Actually, that is exactly what he will say…
    Just in a little more flowery way.
    He'll dress it up a little, but the content will be the same.

    'Scuse me while I go throw up.


Comments are closed.